Open Letter to Chick-fil-a
Dearest Chick-fil-a,
I was thinking about you yesterday. Yes, on a Sunday. Sorry S. Truett Cathy, but I was thinking about your fabulous restaurant on a day it was closed. I have a suggestion for you, DON’T RUN COMMERCIALS ON SUNDAYS! Seriously, I’m begging you. It’s just not fair for you to tempt me with your funny cows with their misspelled words. I want to “eat mor chikin,” I really do. But I can’t do that when you’re closed.
I respect that you feel that your restaurants should be closed on Sundays, that’s admirable. I would eat at your establishment everyday of the week if I could. But I can’t. I have given you my patronage for years. YEARS! My senior year of high school, after every school day, I would go pick up a #5 8-pack with a sweet tea, two ranch, one buffalo (I have very specific sauce needs.) Your waffle fries are delicious, I love the chicken minis for breakfast, and I’ve been known to skip class to eat lunch with you.
My point is this: I’m a loyal fan of you and your original chicken sandwich, you should listen to me. I know what I’m talking about. It’s kind of hateful to tell me to eat your food when you aren’t there to make it for me. But because I love you, and I got a special request (@jimmiebjr,) here’s my tribute to your delicious sweet tea.
Ode to Chick-fil-a Sweet Tea
Oh delicious sweet tea
I do love you so
You’re looking at me
With your straw all aglow
I always read your side
With its interesting stuff
I’ll watch the Chick-fil-a bowl
My Jackets are tough!
I will take a free refill
If you really don’t mind
It gives me a thrill
That you’re always so kind
I really must go though
Oh wondrous sweet tea
I’ll be back tomorrow
So please don’t miss me
The First Annual Pre-Christmas Post
It always seems that this time of year gets very confusing. There’s always the one person who refuses to tell you what they want for Christmas, so you have no idea what to get them. It’s inevitably someone for whom you absolutely HAVE to shop (usually my dad, enjoy your annual belt and tie from me and the dogs.) This is but one baffling piece of the yearly holiday puzzle. This year, I have a new and exciting development in the Christmas confusion. I am absolutely lost as to the explanation for the celebration of Christmas by atheists.
I have several friends who claim to be either “atheist” or “agnostic,” and I do my best not to push my belief system on them, and they respect that I am a Christian. Well, most of the time they do. What I don’t understand is this: every last one of them celebrates Christmas. When asked what their favorite holiday song was, one even replied with “O Holy Night.” Now, I understand completely that they are entitled to decide for themselves what songs they most enjoy, but they could have chosen any number of secular songs. I even have a few suggestions, like “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” or maybe even “You Ain’t Getting’ Shit For Christmas” (my mom’s favorite is “Merry F’ing Christmas” by Mr. Garrison on South Park, but she’s a little more vigilant than I tend to be.)
If you don’t believe in God, and the birth of Jesus has no significance in your life, what does the holiday season mean to you? I’m just curious what the reason for celebration is for those who aren’t religious. Why specifically Christmas? There are several winter holidays which they could easily celebrate, there’s even a solstice, which would be a nice little substitute, seeing as it falls just before Christmas itself. I understand that many people simply enjoy the giving gifts and spending time with family and friends, but there’s really no hard and fast rule that says you have to only do that at the end of the year. In fact, if you’re gonna do that, do it at Thanksgiving. Or Valentine’s Day. Hell, take freakin Arbor Day, nobody really celebrates that.
I’m particularly interested in the “O Holy Night” response. Why that particular song? I’m not willing to ask personally, seeing as this person is more of a “friend of a friend” than an actual friend, and I’d rather not get into serious discussions with someone with whom I have that tenuous a connection. I guess I’m just interested to find out why, of all the holiday songs, a self proclaimed atheist would choose one about the birth of Jesus, whom they don’t follow. I think that deep down it kind of makes me feel like one of the most important occurrences in the history of my religion is cheapened.
Believe What You Want, As Long As You Believe Obama
What happened to my Obama channel? I want it back. These daily updates from the Office of the President Elect are simply not enough. There needs to be someone with a camera on him at all times. I want him mic’d and live every second of every day. And follow Michelle and the Obamettes around too! They should all be on television all the time!
Why should we have television shows not dedicated to our great leader? He’s intelligent, I mean, why would he seal his college transcripts if not for our own protection? He’s so kind; he didn’t want us to feel inadequate.
He’s a wonderful speaker; the “um”s and “uh”s are his way of letting us all know that he’s one of us. And he just doesn’t want to answer the tough questions because he doesn’t want us to worry our little heads about “important” issues like pay for play scandals.
There’s no way he was involved in that! Why would he want to sell his seat? I’m sure he’s got enough money! I mean, look at the millions of dollars he raised during his campaign! Nevermind where it all came from, those election laws are stupid anyway. And what’s wrong with selling it anyway? I don’t see a problem with it. This country was built on the free market. Just ignore that Congress is tearing it apart, piece by piece.
That’s what we should do! Give Obama his own unreality show and put it on every channel and just ignore the parts that aren’t all sunshine and daisies. Better yet! Just edit them out! All I’m saying is this: we have the technology. Make it happen.
Well, I Lied
I said I wasn’t going to actually post tonight because I was watching the game. Then I proclaimed to twitter that I was too pissed off about the officiating of the game (which was total bullshit, don’t argue) to post. Well, now I’m not. You can thank my brother for making me laugh and putting me back in the jolly liberal mocking mood.
If you read my first post (which let’s face it, you should have,) you already know how I feel about this whole global warming thing. If you haven’t read it, go do so now. I’ll wait.
Back? Good. It’s ok, you can tell me I’m smart, funny, beautiful…It’s all true.
Anyway, to revisit the subject for a few minutes (about four and a half, actually), go check out this video and have a good laugh. I’m sure you could use it.
We Now Interrupt This Blog…
Apologies, but there will be no lengthy post tonight about either sports or politics. I am watching the Hawks and Celtics at the Highlight Factory.
Rest easy though, I’ll be back tomorrow with more pure awesomeness.
Aaaaand the Hawks got absolutely HOSED on foul calls all night. The officials should be embarrassed.
Fun With College Football Vocabulary
I have serious issues with the Pontiac Game Changing Performance. Well, actually, I just have one issue with it, but it’s a big one. What irks me is this: too often a game winning play gets voted as the game changing play.
Not to take anything away from Michael Crabtree and Texas Tech, because seriously, wow. That was a great play, and a fantastic ending to a football game. But that’s what it was, an ending to a football game. That play did not spark a triumphant comeback, it didn’t knock the wind out of the sails for the opposing team; it simply ended the game. I’m not opposed to calling that a season changing play. In fact, I think that’s a great term to tack onto it. If it weren’t for that play, Texas beats Texas Tech, goes to the Big 12 championship, probably beats Missouri and ends up in the BCS title game.
There were plenty of games that featured a true game changing play. I may be biased here (actually, yeah I am biased,) but did anyone else see the Georgia/Georgia Tech game? The Yellow Jackets came out after halftime with an explosive one play, 60 yard scoring drive on the first play from scrimmage after the ball sailed out of bounds on the kickoff. That play changed the dynamic of the game. After that play, the Bulldogs looked sloppy, they missed tackles, they fumbled a kickoff, they just weren’t the same.
There’s a difference between changing the momentum of a game halfway through, and winning on a last second touchdown, interception, or fumble (I’m talking to you, UNC, and Penn State.) There’s a difference between an upset and a mounting a comeback in a game you should easily win (you hear me, Pete Carroll?) And I don’t buy that the blocked extra point in the Washington game was a game changer. If you want to claim the celebration call, I can give you that, but not the blocked kick.
If we’re going to nominate plays as “game changing,” we should make sure they’re labeled correctly. ESPN has already helped us out here, as have most other college football wrap-up programs, and set up a top ten plays of the day, or week, or other arbitrary time period. Don’t award a scholarship based off the misinterpretation of the word “change,” we’ve already shown that this country is highly susceptible to voting idiotically when that word is thrown around too much.
I’m Getting Hotter, the Earth is Not
We’ve reached the end of 2008, and I’ve again found myself reflecting on the issue of global warming, or climate change, or whatever the correct term is for the completely fabricated crisis that the world is facing (which the United States is solely responsible for, by the way.)
Here in Georgia we’re in a “perpetual state of drought” because over the past several years we’ve gotten less than the average amount of rainfall and our lakes are “drying up.” At least that’s what we’re being told. I have several issues with this, not the least of which is that the US government has decided that we should release a certain amount of water from our lakes and send it to Florida and Alabama.
Let’s start with the average annual rainfall, shall we? After several years of less than average rainfall, would the average not change? I’m pretty sure that we all learned mean, median and mode when we were taking elementary school math (though I could be wrong, our public schools are atrocious.) All I’m saying is, there’s a reason it’s called “average.”
Also, what happens to the rain deficit/surplus on New Year’s Eve? Does it just reset at midnight January 1st? Where does the extra rain go when there’s a surplus at the end of the year? Where does it come from if there’s a deficit?
And let’s not forget that the government is sending our water south. Is the state of Alabama dealing with a watering ban? Are the lawns in Florida brown and dying? Not that I’ve heard. If we’re in such a bad state of drought, why can’t we keep our own water?
Plus, we’d really appreciate it if Tennessee would give us our land back, thanks.
On to the bigger issue: the global warming hoax is quickly losing favor with scientists. It’s about freaking time. The warmest decade in the past century was the 1930’s, long before the serious congestion on highways in LA and cities like it. The Middle Ages was the hottest time period in recorded history, before the industrial revolution. What’s more infuriating is that the average temperature has gone down in the past decade, hence the sudden switch to the term “climate change” as opposed to “global warming.”
I’ve actually heard proponents of this nonsense claim that global warming is causing colder temperatures. Oh? That makes total sense! I often find myself complaining that my furnace has made my house cold. I’ve also heard that global warming is causing a shortage of water, which is interesting for two reasons: approximately 71% of the earth is covered with the stuff, it literally FALLS FROM THE SKY; and the “ice caps are melting” crowd is super concerned that the ocean levels will rise due to excess water from the melting ice.
I’m highly skeptical of all of the man made climate change hype. Throughout history there have been several periods of ice ages and warm periods. I’m firmly planted in the “it’s a naturally occurring phenomenon” camp, and fully intend to remain so. I’ve seen no hard evidence supporting global warming, or climate change or anything of the sort. Just let me water my damn lawn.
