Stop. Eating. Plants.
I think I might start a campaign against vegetarians. If it’s cruel for me to eat (and enjoy) animals, it’s dangerous for them to eat plants.
If you’re so eco-friendly and “green,” you shouldn’t be eating things that live off of sunlight and carbon dioxide. In case you haven’t heard, the greenhouse effect is gonna kill us all. And you just so happen to be eating the things that create oxygen.
You’re dooming us all to suffocation and boiling. You vegetarians are ruining this planet. If you weren’t so busy eating all of our life-giving plants, maybe the levels of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere wouldn’t be increasing! What would Al Gore think?
You’re gonna drown the polar bears. It’s very hypocritical of you to claim you’re trying to protect them from extinction when you’re eating the very things that could save them. What now? Bring it on PETA!
There’s Still Time to Back Out
So I got to thinking today (after two Obama appointees stepped down after having their refusal to pay taxes correctly called out) that we should be entitled to a little bit of a mea culpa here and be allowed to hold an entirely different election. I have several suggestions and rationalizations for the change.
Again, sarcasm people, embrace it.
Strike Three!
First off, I think we should relate everything to baseball. And Obama just struck out. Three in his staff have been proven tax cheats. If we’re counting Geithner as a foul ball (strike one, even though he got approved,) then Daschle is strike two (swing and a miss after stepping down) and Killefer is strike three. The O should be on his way back to the bench to sit and spit sunflower seeds onto the floor of the dugout (though, with his addiction to nicotine, he’s probably spitting dip) while he hangs his head dejectedly. He was the political equivalent of Mighty Casey. And much like the lauded slugger in our poem, Obama just hasn’t quite lived up to expectations.
Lemon Law
I think we’re all familiar with the lemon law, and I’m pretty sure Obama’s still under warranty right now. We bought him as we thought he was, and have since discovered that he’s not performing as he should. Under the lemon law, we, as a nation, are owed reparations for our wasted time and money. It’s imperative that we invoke our right to claim lemon law as early as possible, preferably within the first 30 days. Luckily, we still fall within those parameters today. For another humorous use of the lemon law, see here.
Annulled!
You know how people who get drunk (America) in Vegas end up getting hitched to people they really regret marrying (Obama) in that super cute little chapel that advertised so nicely (Hope! Change!) and they get the marriage annulled before they consummate? That’s what we should do with this presidency. But here’s the catch: We gotta do it before the stimulus bill passes. Because once that baby goes through, there’s no lying about the government having its big, filthy way with us.
One of the Most Brilliant Minds of Our Generation
Ask for things to make fun of, and you shall receive. I guess that is change I can believe in.
Today President Obama mistook a window for a door.
Yes, you read that right. The leader of our country can’t tell the difference between a window, which I’m pretty sure doesn’t even open, and a door with clear hinges.
I feel so secure.
How Obama Can Earn My Respect
I’m probably never going to agree with the man’s policies, but there are a few ways President Obama can win some of my respect.
Warning: If you cannot recognize and appreciate sarcasm, turn back now
If Obama wants me to respect him as a man, he needs to show he has a sense of humor. Poke some fun at himself instead of his insistence on being serious 100% of the time. Here are some suggestions:
Pick a theme song, and play it at press conferences
I have a few recommendations:
“Raise Up” – Petey Pablo: This song is inspirational in that it encourages people from all cities to “raise up” and express themselves by removing their clothing.
“Ridin’” – Chamillionaire: You know, cause they see him rollin’, they hatin’…
“Whatever You Like” – T.I.: You can have it. It’s right there, in the stimulus package. No, seriously.
“Get On the Bus” – Timbaland: Because it won’t be long til he throws you under it.
“Louie, Louie” – The Kingsmen: Interpret the lyrics like you interpret his speeches. Who knows what he’s saying?
“Batter Up” – Nelly: Ok, this song is just awesome. That’s enough.
“Yo, Excuse Me Miss” – Chris Brown: No, wait. That was filed under Clinton. My bad.
“My Way” – Butch Walker: Because dissent is not cool.
Remind us in every public appearance who won the election
No really, I keep forgetting.
Have multiple teleprompters, for easy reading when looking in different directions
How funny would that be? Come on, seriously. We all know he can’t get away from the damn things.
Bring Joe Biden out of his hidey-hole
That man is comedy gold. Take the duct tape off of his mouth and let him make a gaffe or twelve. I need someone to laugh at for the next four years.
And here are some suggestions from the twitter-verse:
@pharaoh7 – get a superhero cape and walk around calling himself the Mocha Messiah
@AmericanSweetie – he should grow a Hitler-esque mustache so that he at least looks like the ruler he emulates.
@danzphoto – If he’s going to empty Gitmo, how bout filling it w/ 535 people from down the street?
@FaitAccompli – Follow through on his campaign promises to part the seas and push back the clouds
@heathermclain – He could wear a hat with an atrociously large bedazzled bow…R-E-S-P-E-C-T worked for Aretha…
What can he do to win you over?
