There’s Still Time to Back Out
So I got to thinking today (after two Obama appointees stepped down after having their refusal to pay taxes correctly called out) that we should be entitled to a little bit of a mea culpa here and be allowed to hold an entirely different election. I have several suggestions and rationalizations for the change.
Again, sarcasm people, embrace it.
Strike Three!
First off, I think we should relate everything to baseball. And Obama just struck out. Three in his staff have been proven tax cheats. If we’re counting Geithner as a foul ball (strike one, even though he got approved,) then Daschle is strike two (swing and a miss after stepping down) and Killefer is strike three. The O should be on his way back to the bench to sit and spit sunflower seeds onto the floor of the dugout (though, with his addiction to nicotine, he’s probably spitting dip) while he hangs his head dejectedly. He was the political equivalent of Mighty Casey. And much like the lauded slugger in our poem, Obama just hasn’t quite lived up to expectations.
Lemon Law
I think we’re all familiar with the lemon law, and I’m pretty sure Obama’s still under warranty right now. We bought him as we thought he was, and have since discovered that he’s not performing as he should. Under the lemon law, we, as a nation, are owed reparations for our wasted time and money. It’s imperative that we invoke our right to claim lemon law as early as possible, preferably within the first 30 days. Luckily, we still fall within those parameters today. For another humorous use of the lemon law, see here.
Annulled!
You know how people who get drunk (America) in Vegas end up getting hitched to people they really regret marrying (Obama) in that super cute little chapel that advertised so nicely (Hope! Change!) and they get the marriage annulled before they consummate? That’s what we should do with this presidency. But here’s the catch: We gotta do it before the stimulus bill passes. Because once that baby goes through, there’s no lying about the government having its big, filthy way with us.
One of the Most Brilliant Minds of Our Generation
Ask for things to make fun of, and you shall receive. I guess that is change I can believe in.
Today President Obama mistook a window for a door.
Yes, you read that right. The leader of our country can’t tell the difference between a window, which I’m pretty sure doesn’t even open, and a door with clear hinges.
I feel so secure.
How Obama Can Earn My Respect
I’m probably never going to agree with the man’s policies, but there are a few ways President Obama can win some of my respect.
Warning: If you cannot recognize and appreciate sarcasm, turn back now
If Obama wants me to respect him as a man, he needs to show he has a sense of humor. Poke some fun at himself instead of his insistence on being serious 100% of the time. Here are some suggestions:
Pick a theme song, and play it at press conferences
I have a few recommendations:
“Raise Up” – Petey Pablo: This song is inspirational in that it encourages people from all cities to “raise up” and express themselves by removing their clothing.
“Ridin’” – Chamillionaire: You know, cause they see him rollin’, they hatin’…
“Whatever You Like” – T.I.: You can have it. It’s right there, in the stimulus package. No, seriously.
“Get On the Bus” – Timbaland: Because it won’t be long til he throws you under it.
“Louie, Louie” – The Kingsmen: Interpret the lyrics like you interpret his speeches. Who knows what he’s saying?
“Batter Up” – Nelly: Ok, this song is just awesome. That’s enough.
“Yo, Excuse Me Miss” – Chris Brown: No, wait. That was filed under Clinton. My bad.
“My Way” – Butch Walker: Because dissent is not cool.
Remind us in every public appearance who won the election
No really, I keep forgetting.
Have multiple teleprompters, for easy reading when looking in different directions
How funny would that be? Come on, seriously. We all know he can’t get away from the damn things.
Bring Joe Biden out of his hidey-hole
That man is comedy gold. Take the duct tape off of his mouth and let him make a gaffe or twelve. I need someone to laugh at for the next four years.
And here are some suggestions from the twitter-verse:
@pharaoh7 – get a superhero cape and walk around calling himself the Mocha Messiah
@AmericanSweetie – he should grow a Hitler-esque mustache so that he at least looks like the ruler he emulates.
@danzphoto – If he’s going to empty Gitmo, how bout filling it w/ 535 people from down the street?
@FaitAccompli – Follow through on his campaign promises to part the seas and push back the clouds
@heathermclain – He could wear a hat with an atrociously large bedazzled bow…R-E-S-P-E-C-T worked for Aretha…
What can he do to win you over?
In Which Our Main Character Escapes to Her Hidey-Hole
I’m not the only one trying to find a tiny little corner of the world where I can easily hide from Obama’s ubiquitous presence, am I? Thus far I have found these things that I can no longer do without being bombarded with our soon-to-be President: grocery shop, listen to talk radio, listen to normal radio, watch the news (duh,) watch the Disney channel, watch Nickelodeon, watch MTV or VH1, watch ESPN (!) or any of the affiliates, visit twitter, facebook, myspace, or any number of social media sites, read gossip magazines, read sports magazines, read any blog at all.
I’m sick of it. Tomorrow I will be sleeping late, watching dvds all day and participating in the SGP Ball (which starts at 9, details at http://smartgirlpolitics.ning.com,) my only inauguration-related activity.
I actually made the mistake of voicing my irritation in front of my liberal friend while at Wal-Mart the other day. Her response was “that’s not his fault, don’t be mad at him for that.” Uh, I’m mad at a whole bunch of people for that. And I’m fairly certain that his “open letter to his daughters” was his doing. Granted, not every instance is generated by Obama himself, but he has a hell of a PR campaign going on right now. It’s actually pretty impressive from a marketing standpoint.
There is not a single place I can go without seeing his face. I feel like I’m living the book 1984. I’m not lying when I tell you that there is a mural of Obama’s face painted on a wall down the street from me. It makes me ill.
Also, can anyone else remember a time in which the yet-to-be-sworn-in POTUS was as omnipresent as Obama seems to be? I realize that I’m only 22, but I can’t recall a single occurrence. It certainly wasn’t the case four or eight years ago when George W. Bush was inaugurated.
And what happened to the outrage over the frivolous use of funds during a time of war? Didn’t we hear all about how Bush’s $40 million inauguration was disrespectful, and how there were better ways to spend that money? It’s interesting that Obama gets a pass on his $150 million blowout bash during not just a time of war, but the worst recession this country has seen in decades. The double standards are glaring. Well, they are to some of us.
I’m unplugging for now. I have got to get away from the Obamania, it’s driving me insane. Here’s to hoping it wears off, preferably soon.
Believe What You Want, As Long As You Believe Obama
What happened to my Obama channel? I want it back. These daily updates from the Office of the President Elect are simply not enough. There needs to be someone with a camera on him at all times. I want him mic’d and live every second of every day. And follow Michelle and the Obamettes around too! They should all be on television all the time!
Why should we have television shows not dedicated to our great leader? He’s intelligent, I mean, why would he seal his college transcripts if not for our own protection? He’s so kind; he didn’t want us to feel inadequate.
He’s a wonderful speaker; the “um”s and “uh”s are his way of letting us all know that he’s one of us. And he just doesn’t want to answer the tough questions because he doesn’t want us to worry our little heads about “important” issues like pay for play scandals.
There’s no way he was involved in that! Why would he want to sell his seat? I’m sure he’s got enough money! I mean, look at the millions of dollars he raised during his campaign! Nevermind where it all came from, those election laws are stupid anyway. And what’s wrong with selling it anyway? I don’t see a problem with it. This country was built on the free market. Just ignore that Congress is tearing it apart, piece by piece.
That’s what we should do! Give Obama his own unreality show and put it on every channel and just ignore the parts that aren’t all sunshine and daisies. Better yet! Just edit them out! All I’m saying is this: we have the technology. Make it happen.
